Grief and Urgency

I thought I wanted to write about Grief today, but as I sat with my grief what I felt was urgency. And when I sat with my urgency, oh man, did she have a lot to say.

I have noticed myself becoming more of a recluse and I don’t intend to, I’m just trying to make sense of my inner world. My own thoughts and emotions. A lot was lost these last few years, a lot did not go as envisioned and planned, and I have needed space to process and metabolize. This process feels so sacred and private, and I am sorry if I have isolated myself or pushed anyone away. It’s not you, it’s me.

Sometimes I am afraid to be in social settings with family and friends because I don’t want the uncomfortable questions to surface. Why aren’t I over it yet? Have I moved on yet? What’s next? Because to be honest, I really don’t f’ing know. I’m figuring it out as I go, letting the medicine heal me and lead me, and honestly it’s a very different way of being and living for me, and it’s uncomfortable for me too.

I’m someone who always had a plan, and then a back up plan and a back up plan for that. I always considered myself a high achiever, and now I’m in a place where achieving and accomplishing the next thing, just doesn’t resonate with me. My parents are worried about me, what am I doing with my life? I asked them what more I needed to achieve in order for them to be proud of me? I got the degrees, I had a great career, I have the 401k, the equity on my home, I raised two young Autistic children as a single mom into happy beautiful healed masculine men. Is this enough? It feels like enough? Have I earned the time to grieve? Can I spend my days moving slowly making space for my feelings and finding my way back to Joy?

I spoke to my sister in law recently and she said she didn’t have time to grieve because she had to keep moving forward, and I feel her, because the world doesn’t stop, the bills don’t stop so that you can finish processing the shock of losing your mother.

And as I write and process this in real time, I can feel the rage that sits under the urgency. Because for me, Urgency feels like a threat. It feels unsafe, like if I don’t figure it out quickly, I’m going to miss out, or die, like how will I survive?

Yes, I too, would like to be over it already. I too am tired of crying. I too would like to know what’s next. But I ask myself, why do we as a culture, as a society fear grief and slowness so much?

We can blame it on the planets doing their thing. With Uranus and Mars in Gemini in my 10th house, they are putting the pressure for me to figure out my next career move. But I am in my letting things heal and align era. In my, I’m no longer chasing the corporate ladder or next achievement era.

So thank you to my parents, thank you to Uranus and Mars, who are saying “Hey girl, here is your chance”. I know you all want what is best for me, but truly allowing people to sit with the depth of their grief is probably what is best. I can move on to the next thing, the next dude, the next relationship, the next whatever, and will it ever feel like enough?

Why does slowness and grief feel uncomfortable and like a threat? It is a threat to productivity, to joy? Can we find Joy in the slowness of processing grief?

It’s this same sense of urgency and fear of slowness that has us in the state of affairs we see ourselves in as a Capitalistic society. We fear not producing, not doing it first, not having enough, because we don’t trust that we will be provided for, because we don’t want to settle with having enough, we want bigger, better, faster.

I’m not saying let’s get rid of all of our conveniences, but can we be okay with a slow build? So that the resources last? So that our energy can be sustainable, so that our Earth Mother can continue to provide for us. If we want to shift things in our world, I feel we need sit with the shadow of Urgency. Not to get rid of it, but what is it really showing us that we need, and why do we believe we need it?

Why do we need more AI? Because we are uncomfortable with not knowing all things, with not having immediate clarity? Can we allow the slowness to bring us the messages and medicine we need?

Thank you for reading and allowing me to sort out my thoughts and feelings. And would love to hear your own reflections on your relationship to this urgency culture, and invite you to maybe take a look at where you can invite in more slowness.